Monday, August 31, 2009
He is there
I started the day solemnly. My mind was restlessly skipping between that day and this day.
I was walking to the train station on my way to work this morning. I had an eerie feeling that someone was walking beside me. I slowed down and looked. There was no one. I knew it was him.
It's been a while since I've seen him. It's actually been a long time. So, I deliberately walk a little slower feeling he is lagging behind me. Maybe he'd catch up? I turn back. Again, no one.
I snuck in at work. I am in my cubicle, typing away. Suddenly, I look around as if someone called my name. Did someone call me? I don't know. I look around wondering where the voice came from. No one, again. Where is he?
Deciding to take a break, I come out. For a very brief moment, I saw him everywhere. I saw him in everyone. I saw his gentle smile splashed over people's faces. My colleague greeted me, I saw him and felt his warmth and cheerfulness. I re-lived his humour in the joke cracked at smoko, I heard his laughter when people laughed heartily. People seemed to be like a prism. They appear to disperse a particular quality, trait, gesture which were one of the many reasons I love him so much. I keep looking out for him, I don't see him though. He is on the other side shining brightly, too bright for lesser souls like me to see.
I ask myself, what's happening? I dunno. The mind does funny things on days like this. Certain moments and memories are poignant in ones life. This is probably his way of saying I am here. I am with you. I am watching ya! (the way Robert De Niro says it with that hand gesture in Meet the Fockers :D )
I sent an email to certain somebodys. It was a very short mail, just two words: 10 years.
I know you are there. I saw you today. I know you are watching me as I write this. I reach out to you all the time. The void that was created when you waved goodbye to us was never filled, it will never be filled. The memories and the lessons of love you inculcated in us helped us to get by. We miss you. You keep reminding us that you never left us. You appear to me in flashes - in the transience between happiness and tears, in the moment of transition from thinking wrong to thinking wise; you appear whenever we see ourselves the way you dreamed of seeing us. We see you when we look at life in your vision. I want to meet you again. It may be a while before I make the permanent shift from soul to spirit. Until then, I'll live with a renewed assurance that you are with me, with us. Always. In every little step, in every big leap - you'll be watching over us. You are, you definitely are.
Thatha, in memory of you with deepest gratitude, love and affection.