He is there

Thanks Traces

I started the day solemnly. My mind was restlessly skipping between that day and this day.

I was walking to the train station on my way to work this morning. I had an eerie feeling that someone was walking beside me. I slowed down and looked. There was no one. I knew it was him.

It's been a while since I've seen him. It's actually been a long time. So, I deliberately walk a little slower feeling he is lagging behind me. Maybe he'd catch up? I turn back. Again, no one.

I snuck in at work. I am in my cubicle, typing away. Suddenly, I look around as if someone called my name. Did someone call me? I don't know. I look around wondering where the voice came from. No one, again. Where is he?

Deciding to take a break, I come out. For a very brief moment, I saw him everywhere. I saw him in everyone. I saw his gentle smile splashed over people's faces. My colleague greeted me, I saw him and felt his warmth and cheerfulness. I re-lived his humour in the joke cracked at smoko, I heard his laughter when people laughed heartily. People seemed to be like a prism. They appear to disperse a particular quality, trait, gesture which were one of the many reasons I love him so much. I keep looking out for him, I don't see him though. He is on the other side shining brightly, too bright for lesser souls like me to see.

I ask myself, what's happening? I dunno. The mind does funny things on days like this. Certain moments and memories are poignant in ones life. This is probably his way of saying I am here. I am with you. I am watching ya! (the way Robert De Niro says it with that hand gesture in Meet the Fockers :D )

I sent an email to certain somebodys. It was a very short mail, just two words: 10 years.

I know you are there. I saw you today. I know you are watching me as I write this. I reach out to you all the time. The void that was created when you waved goodbye to us was never filled, it will never be filled. The memories and the lessons of love you inculcated in us helped us to get by. We miss you. You keep reminding us that you never left us. You appear to me in flashes - in the transience between happiness and tears, in the moment of transition from thinking wrong to thinking wise; you appear whenever we see ourselves the way you dreamed of seeing us. We see you when we look at life in your vision. I want to meet you again. It may be a while before I make the permanent shift from soul to spirit. Until then, I'll live with a renewed assurance that you are with me, with us. Always. In every little step, in every big leap - you'll be watching over us. You are, you definitely are.

Thatha, in memory of you with deepest gratitude, love and affection.

Life without Internet

I moved to a new place last week. I am flatting with four people. I like the look & feel of my room. It is spacious and there is enough free space for me to practise my cover drive with the full flourish or to bowl with a shortened run-up.

"Heyy...hows it? Oh BTW, no internet for next 3 weeks". I laughed it off thinking it was a joke. I bumped into another flatmate. He told me the same with a look of a child lost in a big trade fair. "Freakin Telstra". He was pissed off. The Internet connection was under the name of my room's previous occupant. When she moved, the Internet moved with her. When you snatch a candy of a kid, the kid cries. When you unplug a group on internet junkies, they fume. The world cease to make sense to them. They feel lost in their own homes. They feel lonely even in the arms of their loved ones. Everything is a blur. Our new ISP has advised us it'll take between 10-14 working days to get plugged in again. :

This weekend - like any other weekend - was for two days. But it was a one of looongest weekends I've had. It was pouring outside. With no Internet, I had so much time to do other stuff. I finished reading two books - RK Narayan's Horse and 2 goats & Malcolm Gladwell's Blink. Both books were fantastic read. I am planning to write a post on Blink sometime. I played Solitaire and Minesweeper after a long time. I cleared the sent items which had mails I sent during my first week at work (~2.5 years back). I defragged my HD, I have the cleanest desktop on the planet and all my music is fully backed up. My notebook feels light and is smiling at me.

Since I just moved in and I was running out of things to do, I decided to rearrange my furniture (read as: I am very bored and I'll do anything to break this state of mind). I wanted a different layout. So, I moved stuff around. Arranged. Re-arranged. Meddled. Almost broke one leg of the dining table chair. "Oh no...I'll google the fix for this... Crap, No internet". I then used a trick I applied in my 1st year engineering design project and managed fix/tighten the leg. Felt really good. Re-re-arranged. I realised I've come a full circle that I ended with a layout similar to the initial layout. There are only n amount layouts one can try in this room. Felt stupid and carried on. The power of boredom continues to amaze me.

Just like last weekend, the weekday evenings were quite slow as well. One weekday evening went like this: I come back after work, I walk into my room. I make myself a cuppa tea. Switch on my notebook to break the deafening silence. As I switch the notebook on , I realise there is no Internet. I lean back in my chair and look out of the window. For the next few minutes, I keep staring. Nothing in particular really. Just staring. I am neither happy or sad. A state where everything is perfectly neutral and blank. I keep staring. The staring is interspersed with sips of Earl grey. After a few minutes, I realise I am not doing anything . I look around and move on. This may look really weird to some of you. Perhaps this is the brain's way of adjusting to the absense of something which is a part of daily life, something it probably took for granted, something which it thought was critical to our digtalised existance. Perhaps the brain was trying to fill a void within itself while in the right-wad-do-we-do-now mode.

2 more weeks to go. Internet, I miss you. *sigh*

My Orchid

Of all the posts I've written so far, I find this post the hardest to write. The toughest tributes have got to be the ones written for people you've known the longest and loved the best. Nothing I say can be enough.

In life we form relationships with many people. Some relationships are strong bonds with people who mean a lot to us (e.g. parents, siblings, close friends etc.), some are in the middle ground - neither this nor that, and some relationships exist because both individuals are alive and kicking and/or because the path of individuals intersect somewhere in time (e.g. hi-bye friends or relatives whom we meet sporadically).

Of all the relationships that exist in this world, the one between grandmother and grandson is THE most special. It is a special bond that is very difficult to put in words.

My Paati (Paati is the tamil word for grandmother) is an influential figure in my life. She is everything to me. After my mum, she is the first person to see me. From paaladai to ooti-vittufy, she has fed me. She has told me stories. She introduced God to me. She taught me how to pray. She taught me the value of having values, the importance of doing one's duty, to love unconditionally. From her, I learnt how to be soft and yet strong, how to be innocuous and still be assertive...Most importantly, I learnt who I am and who I can be.

My Paati is not a run-of-the-mill Paati. When I say 'Paati', if you picturize an old lady, frail, wearing a white sari, lips silently chanting a sloka with prayer beads on fingers - you are greatly mistaken. My Paati is very enterprising and dynamic. She is a businesswoman and entrepreneur. Born in the generation where women from orthodox Tamil Brahmin community were married before they finished high school, she also got married in her early teens and was determined enough to finish her Masters degree in Cosmetology. In the era where most married women with more than 2 kids were content being a housewife or at most work in the safe haven of a Government job, she established a herbal beauty clinic, expanded it and ran it successfully for 20+ years and along the way did a splendid job of raising three successful kids. In the age where people settled with decent income wouldn't consider upgrading themselves professionally by studying further, she ran the family and studied to specialise in Aroma therapy. Finally, when she is physically old and the body seem to dish out the vagaries of old age, the last thing you would expect her to do is a gruelling trek in the Himalayas. My Paati did a 1-month trip to Mt Kailash and Manasarovar Lake in the Nepal-China border. She did extensive preparation for the trip to be physically and mentally fit. She did it!

My Paati is a lady with strong sense of style and class (No wonder she is a beautician!). A class that you will feel with the way she speaks, carries herself and her immaculate dress sense. She moves with great poise and dignity. Her generosity of spirit and her unselfish capacity to care has touched many people. In more ways than ever, she is a source of inspiration to me and to everyone around her. She always tells me "Sriramaaa, saadhikanum! Namma unnum yenna pannalaam-nu paakanum. Seiyara kaariyatha, innum eppdi nanna seiyalaam paakanum!. Nambaloda kadamai thavaraama seiyanum". Words that'll always hold true.

People dream. They aspire to do lots of things. Many aspire, but only few steadfastly work towards it and realise the dream. My Paati is one of the few. I believe she has achieved her dreams. Her life is punctuated with many challenges which she has overcome with grit, hardwork, determination and sense of faith. To me, my Paati is a real achiever and a true all rounder.

Today is Mothers day. My Paati turned 66 last Friday. Whatever I've written is a humble attempt to say thank you to my Paati. Paati, I love you.

My Paati. My inspiration.

Life goes on...

This post is for a friend who is experiencing that drowning feeling and having a torrid time. I have not experienced my friend's situation before - I shudder about the prospect of it. This is an attempt to give some advice, guidance (which my friend asked for) and to put things in perspective. This is free advice. If you think whatever I've written below is rubbish, you may be right!

Falling in love...no, IMHO the L-word is too early and premature to use here. Its actually the wrong word.

Start again, when a person you (strongly) like rejects you it is depressing. You feel hollow, helpless and the rejection rankle you and it takes a while to get over it. Agreed. When the Significant Someone (SS) rejects you, it hits the sensitive corner present in every human called feelings. It hits you hard. Lot harder than you imagined. Ego takes a big hit. Rejection is an emotional blow which floors any person. Few people get up straightaway, most people take some time and the remaining gets identified as direct descendants of Devdas (Is there a female version of Devdas?).

People who are into this lauve business will get rejected or will reject a few before they find their real SS. Not all people are lucky to live happily-ever-after with the first person they like . Its like hitting bulls eye in your first shot without any practise (amazing skill or fluke).

We face rejection all the time in different forms and from various sources. From your best friend - to your boss- to your milkman- to your cat, everybody rejects you at some point. Yeah Yeah these 'rejections' are not the same as SS rejecting you. Its vastly different. But what to do? You cannot change or influence a person's mind. You never know what is going on in a person's mind. Human mind is fickle hence completely unpredictable. Love is complex. When you put these two elements (mysterious working of the mind & Love) together, you have an equation the solution for which is best determined by someone a bit higher than us. In Aaitha Ezhuthu (Yuva), Surya defines this equation very simply- its all hormonal based. I agree with that.

Look, I understand the 'attraction' that I think you have developed is something more than just 'looks'. I respect that. It happens. Remember, just because the other person rejected you doesn't mean you are bad or inferior. Please do not feel that way. It is dangerous as it'll have serious impact on your psyche, and most importantly, your self esteem. Its just that their expectations that he/she has for their ideal SS is different, or worse, they probably don't know what they want/expect; in your case, its probably continually changing as your SS walks through experiences in his/her life.

My friend, you have to move on from this. I know it'll be hard. Repeating your words: its like a scar on the body, it may heal but its still there. True! Take your time. Time is a healer. Life, they say, is a great teacher. I am sure you have learnt/are learning valuable lessons and this has helped you to better understand yourself. It'll be very unfair - both on yourself and for people close to you - if you don't come out of this because you deserve to be better. Liking/loving/crush is all part of life. Only a part. We land into problems when we think it is life. I know you understand this. You are smart enough not keep brooding about this. I am confident you will move on. You have to. You will. You will emerge as a better and stronger person.

Life teaches many things. This aspect of life is definitely not 'one-hit, you miss' kinda thing. There will be lots of 'meetings' later on. You know that. Forrest Gump said "Life is a box of chocolates, you never know what you are gonna get" - so god-damn right. [However later in the same movie, he said "I am not a smart man, but I know what love is". What can I say?! (I included this because I know you'll counter argue the previous quote. Shut up! Don't say anything :D)]

Who knows, years down the line when you are happily married and have four kids, you sit back and introspect you may feel it was good that this was not meant to be.

Life moves on, I am sure you will too.

Hope this helps. All the best!

Happy Valentines Day

Valentines Day. Mmm...I thought of uploading a song from a movie aptly titled Kadhalar Dinam (Lovers' Day). I have chosen Mundinam song from Vaaranam Ayiram. It is a beautiful song. Simple lyrics, lyricist Thamarai's choice of words and play with words, make this song sensuous, poetic and befits the occasion - Valentines Day.

Raju has done a great job in translating the song. This is a direct copy paste from his blog.

Another quick and unjustifiably crude translation of a recent song which has captivated my heart.

M: ஹாய் மாலினி!
I'm கிருஷ்ணன்.
நான் இதை சொல்லியே ஆகணும்;
நீ அவ்ளோ அழகு!
எவனும் இவ்ளோ அழகா ஒரு ......
இவ்ளோ அழகைப் பார்த்திருக்க மாட்டாங்க
and I am in love with you....

After introducing himself, he says that no one would have seen such a beautiful.... (pause and a chuckle) such a beauty. What a way to say that she is the most beautiful (not just woman, but in the) whole world. Considering that this is their first meeting, that is a very powerful statement (albeit praising her external beauty) to flatter her.

முன்தினம் பார்த்தேனே பார்த்ததும் தோற்றேனே
சல்லடைக் கண்ணாக நெஞ்சமும் புண்ணானதே
I saw you yesterday and as soon as I saw, I lost (to you).
My heart was wounded like the eyes of a sieve.

Traditionally, the sight of a woman is compared to the arrow; so, it is as if so many of such arrows attacked his heart and wounded him, that his heart has thousands of such tiny holes.

இத்தனை நாளாக உன்னை நான் பாராமல்
எங்குதான் போனேனோ நாட்களும் வீணானதே

All these days, without seeing you
where (the hell) did I go? Oh, all (my) days have been a waste..

When a person meets someone and falls in love, he/she wishes that they spent all their goneby days with that person. It is not only the happiness of the present, and a dream for the future, but a frustration for the past too.

வானத்தில் நீ வெண்ணிலா ஏக்கத்தில் நான் தேய்வதா
இப்போழ்தே என்னோடு வந்தாலென்ன
ஊர் பார்க்க ஒன்றாக சென்றாலென்ன

(முன்தினம்)

You are like a moon on the sky; I wane due to longing (for you)
What if you come with me now?
What if we go out, with the world watching (or what if we go sight-seeing)?

Yeah, the last line can be taken in both the ways. The first one is about the Hindu tradition of going on a procession after the marriage, so that the neighborhood can see who has got married. The latter is about the wish of a person to roam around the world with his lover.

துலாத்தட்டில் உன்னை வைத்து
நிகர் செய்யப் பொன்னை வைத்தால்
துலாபாரம் தோற்காதோ பேரழகே?

After placing you on a weighing balance,
if gold is placed to equalize with you,
wont the balance lose, my beauty?

He is not talking about the shape of his girl (pun unintended); he compares the beauty of her with the beauty of gold. He says that she is so beautiful that, a balance designed to weigh human-like fairly large objects will still be too small to accomodate the enormous gold required to compensate for her beauty. Considering the density differences between gold and human, this is a huge claim indeed.. ;), and his girl is such a beauty.

F: முகம் பார்த்துப் பேசும் உன்னை
முதல் காதல் சிந்தும் கண்ணை
அணைக்காமல் போவேனோ ஆருயிரே

How will I not hug you, who looks at my face and talks
and from whose eyes the first love is oozing out?

Women respect and like men who look at their face and talk, bcos a large chunk of the men have been notorious in that aspect. Also, the girl's instant appeal with someone who is giving his heart for the first time to a woman is given importance. Also, this is the first response of the woman after hearing what the man has said. She just reciprocates to his feelins saying that she likes to hug him.

M: ஓ... நிழல் போல விடாமல் உன்னைத் தொடர்வேனடி
புகை போலப் படாமல் பட்டு நகர்வேனடி
வினா நூறு கனாவும் நூறு.. விடை சொல்லடி

I will follow you like (your) shadow; I will touch you delicately and move away from you as how the smoke does. (I have) hundreds of questions, and hundreds of dreams; pl. give (me) an answer.

The desperation of the hero is very much evident from these lines. He is already dreaming of her and a life with her. All he wants is the answer.. Of course he wants 'yes' to be that answer. One can compare this Q&A to the western culture of the woman answering the man 'yes' when he proposes, and during the wedding when she says 'yes, I do!'.

(முன்தினம்)

F: கடல் நீலம் மங்கும் நேரம்

அலை வந்து தீண்டும் தூரம்

மனம் சென்று மூழ்காதோ ஈரத்திலே

When the blueness of the sea dims,
the waves touch the far end (of the shore).
Wont the heart immerse (itself) in the wetness (of love)?

M:தலை சாய்க்கத் தோளும் தந்தாய்
விரல் கோர்த்துப் பக்கம் வந்தாய்
இதழ் மட்டும் இன்னும் ஏன் தூரத்திலே

You gave (me your) shoulder (for me) to put (my) head on..
You came near me holding my hands..
why are your lips still far away?

F:பகல் நேரம் கனாக்கள் கண்டேன் உறங்காமலே
உயிர் ரெண்டு உராயக் கண்டேன் நெருங்காமலே
உனை அன்றி எனக்கு ஏது எதிர்காலமே

I had day-dreams without sleeping
I saw two souls frictioning (against each other), without coming closeby
What is my future without you?
Only in the ultimate line of the charanam, she opens out her heart and gives the real answer that he wants to hear. By saying that there is no future for her without him, all the ambiguities of dating and courting relationship are removed and the love now reaches the mutually agreed state.

(முன்தினம்)